Life

To all my friends.

To all my friends who have ever dealt with something bigger than themselves.

I’m sorry. There will be bad days. I had some this week. I’m stilling living them this weekend. Days you’re tired and worn down and where life just feels overwhelming. There will be days you want to lay down and cry. Curl up in the fetal position and just be, without having to think about all the other stuff that’s making you feel this way. There will be days you want to hide. Where people are too much, sounds are too loud, it’s all just too much.  There will be days you want to disappear completely, to fold yourself up into a little postage stamp version of yourself and fly far, far away. There will be days you feel like you’ve had everything sucked out of you, like a piece of fruit left on the counter too long.

There will be days when you don’t know why, it just is and you just are and there’s not a whole lot you can do about it. There will be days you know exactly why but knowing doesn’t make it better. There are days you just have a hole right there in the middle of yourself and you don’t know how to fill it. It’s bigger than hunger and scarier than fear and heavier than sadness. And it is there and it demands to be heard.

There will be bad days. There will always be bad days.

But then friends, there will be good days. Even if it seems like there won’t be, there will be. Even if you feel like you can’t make it until then, you can. You will have moments and you will have days that remind you that life is bigger than everything you’re feeling.

These moments don’t have to be momentous. They don’t need to be standing on top of a mountain or seeing a beautiful place or witnessing an important event or having a big conversation. These are life changing moments, sure. But I’m talking about the little moments, the moments that show you life is good in subtle little ways that you have to be listening to hear. Maybe it’s meeting up with an old friend. Maybe it’s eating a good meal. Maybe it’s spending the day outside or maybe it’s spending the day inside, if that’s what you need. Or  if you’re like me, maybe it’s going for a long, perfect New England run on a Saturday morning.

And you will smile at the Saturday morning people doing their Saturday morning things. You will admire the families already up and moving and envy the couples cuddled up together on one of the first cool days of the season. You will see late blooming flowers, and notice little book shops you’ve never noticed before, and appreciate restaurants you won’t be able to comfortably afford for at least 5 more years. You will notice the houses built in 1706 and wonder about all the people here long before you. You might even get a little lost, but that’s okay, you have nowhere to be. You will smell the Saturday morning smells. The hazelnut coffee aroma so strong you want to stop and have a cup. The smell of eggs and pancakes and all the things breakfast should be. You run past a house that smells distinctly like the apple cinnamon candle your grandmother used to burn and you get a little nostalgic. You say good morning to all the people. You run past a street called Pleasant Road and you think “yes, isn’t it?”

You will find these moments that are so full of life and these moments will revive you. You will realize that life is so much bigger. Life is bigger than anxiety. Life is bigger than depression. Life is bigger than my eating disorder and yours, too. Life is bigger than mental illness. Life is bigger.

And I know, I know that these things can seem like they are the biggest. They can seem like giant, humongous monsters that will never back down. They can seem too big to beat, I know that much. But I beg you to always, always remember that it is not bigger than all the beautiful things this life has to offer.  It’s not. And even if it seems like it is right now, I promise it’s not.

Life is better. Life is beautiful. Life is bigger. Happy weekend, friends.

blog 10.3

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